Can one really be this invisible?

Today I have been so irritated at everything. I have been feeling that everyone is taking over what little space I feel that I actually have. My bubble, it is very precious to me. Especially living in a large city where you only get about 12 feet of it anyway and that is called "home".

However, I don't want to complain anymore today. I have done enough of that already. I gotta say though, that it makes me feel better if I can just throw up all my thoughts about how much I dislike people. I would go as far as saying that I hate them. Yeh, but I won't because that is just down right negative. Today I have felt invisible in this world. Besides my mother calling me everyone else has been busy. Its not about craving attention so much as it is me wondering if people have seen me at all today!

Like I mentioned earlier, I only have so much space in this world. When someone does not acknowledge my presence it is quite obvious. Let me explain...

I am babysitting this morning and the baby spits up all over my entire left thigh. "Ok," I think "No big deal. I wore the crappy pants today."

So I begin desperately to wipe off all spit from the baby. Then the mom waltzed into the room. "Oh what happened, Hannah?" She says to the baby's 3 year old sister, without even looking at me. Quickly she reaches for a paper towel and dabbs up the spit from the couch. She then realizes it is on her daughter and baby. Meanwhile, I am scrambling to clean it off of his shirt and my pant leg. Never mind that my ENTIRE leg is drenched. She walks off, turns around, and then says, "Oh, yeah would you like a cloth to clean yourself?"

Later in the day I am crossing the street downtown and the little white man lights up across the street. Pedestrian right away! So I walk across, and a truck suddenly stops 2 inches away from my frozen body. I was stunned and all I could think to do was stare at the idiot behind the wheel. He then began honking and I briskly made it to the sidewalk. I thought about it later and decided I should have shot him a bird, but it was too late. 

After that wonderful incident, I decided to treat myself to a nice lunch since I just got paid. So I went over to the Barking Dog on 3rd and 94th st. I sat at a nice table outside on the porch next to the sidewalk. I took a deep breath in to relax. I ordered a grilled cheese, butternut squash soup and a beer. During my delicious meal two men came out with brooms, paper towels, and window cleaner. They begin shuffling tables around and one stood on top of a chair. He sprayed the window and began to clean. As he sprayed, the cleaner it blows directly at me and onto my amazing butternut squash soup! They inch closer and asked me,  

"can we use the seat at your table to wipe the windows?" I stare in utter amazement as my food becomes covered in windex. Luckily, the manager came out and put a stop to the madness and apologized. I sat and just stared. I did not say anything to those men because I was just so excited at how this day was turning out. I got the check, reluctantly paid, and left.

So I arrive at my final destination of the day and I decide to have a smoke before work. I sit on a little bench beside the 92nd Street Y. Two young men are watering the flowers outside of the building and drag the hoes pipe behind them. Water pours out the pipe and one guy is holding it as he walks over to the flowers about 12 feet away from where I am sitting. As he is holding the hose, he lets the water flow graciously onto the sidewalk. Somehow he does not see me sitting directly in his path. Water begins to pour all over my feet and already damp pants. "Hey watch it!" I yell. He simply looks at me and begins to water the flowers. Later, he comes back around and begins to adjust his belt by taking off his pants as if I am not sitting there. This day is just the best. 

Soaking wet, I walked over to the Pilates Studio. I arrive inside and immediately my boss is asking me to clean things. She never asks me to clean, (during the week anyway). Ok, so I scrub away at the walls, the machines, and the damn bathroom. Can this day get any worse? My poor pants have had it and all I want to do is shower!

So here I am typing away. Nothing has happened since but I still have the train ride home...

Maybe someone will sit on me. Can't wait. 

Soaking it in on the train

These last two months in New York are really getting to me. It feels like I'm waiting in a long line at an amusement park right now. The anticipation of getting back to Chicago and beginning a new chapter in my life is constantly on my mind. Currently my situation is that I must save as much money as possible so that I can move. However, it has become increasingly difficult living in this expensive city and also trying to spend my time wisely while still here. Two more months, two more, I keep telling myself. Why am I rushing? I need to be doing more "soaking". 

So, last night on my way home after I heard the news about PA, I decided to do just that. I began to soak in as much around me as possible. Luckily it was raining so my clothes were soaking, as well as my hair and it definitely helped the situation. I sat on the 2,3 going towards Harelm, staring at the orange colored seats that remind me of the 70's. An elderly man sat across from me. On the opposite side of the train was a young man with saggy pants, sunglasses over his eyes, and music blaring for us all to hear through his headphones. The elderly man began to whistle a song I couldn't quite make out. As he sat whistling he glanced around the train amused. He seemed so content. My thoughts flashed back to my grandfather (PA) and how whistling seems to have become a thing only from the past. Whereas, the young guy in the corner was nodding his head to songs of booty shakin' and lickin'. I tuned out the profanity and heard only the whistling along with the noise from the train. I stared again at the orange seats and thought of a time that has come and gone. I thought about the generation gap between the young guy, the old man, and myself. I don't know their beliefs, value systems, or who their parents were. With all of that aside, the whistling generation is dying off and almost obliterated from this earth. The generation where things seemed much more simple (even though I'm sure it wasn't). To me whistling is a manifestation of contentment and maybe the passing of time. As much as I would have liked to live in a time where men were gentlemen, women wore fancy hats, and everyone could trust their neighbor, I live right now. I live in a time where booty shakin' is very important to this culture. Too bad I can't shake it like a polaroid picture. 

My PA

I just crawled into bed to write about some news I just heard tonight from my mother. 

My grandfather is in the hospital. The words "grandfather" and "hospital" tend to go hand in hand. However, I know him as PA just 'P' and 'A' and you get PA. Apparently he had fallen without realizing it and found himself in the mirror staring at the blood trickling down his forehead. My mother said he took a big spill while outside cutting the shrubs. Luckily something more serious did not occur. PA called for help on his cell phone and was rushed to the hospital. Cat scans and tests were done to see what might have happened. Could be strokes we suspect, he's had those before. You see PA will be 90 years old February 3rd. His real name is Charles Hugh Smith. Roomer has it, back in his younger years everyone called him "Hooty" (not sure why exactly.) 

He was born in 1919, same year as Merce Cunningham and Nat King Cole were born. That same year the Boston Molasses Disaster occurred (just thought that was interesting, look it up!) Also, the United States Congress approved the 19th Amendment to the United States Constitution, which would guarantee suffrage to women! It is amazing all the decades he has lived through and the man STILL thinks he's in his 20's or 30's. He is young at the age of 89. Still he plays golf, cuts the grass, trims the bushes, drives the car, runs the errands, goes shopping, cooks, and finds the humor in life. He survived the Great Depression, WWII, the 60's and 70's, the death of his son, then his wife, and everything in between. PA is truly a wonderful man.

It is very difficult to see PA struggle. I am sure it is strange to see one's body begin to decay and no longer work as it used to. One day you wake up and your legs are not as strong. The heart and lungs you wore out in your younger years no longer kick into auto pilot. Everyday tasks become a marathon, and suddenly your children are watching out for you as you did for them. The roles reverse and you are now asking them for help. PA refuses help sometimes and tells my mom, "I am not a child."

Life has been good to him. He has stayed strong and somehow managed to stay jovial. PA is sure of himself, what he believe, and who he loves. What more can you ask for? PA is truly loved.

Just got to thinking

Upper East Side. Love ya but....

I can't wait for the day when I am not surrounded by the rich women who have no concept of reality. Reality being that money does not grow on trees on a REAL planet, that it does not flow from the water faucet, and that sometimes it comes in spurts. However, that is just my reality and many others in the world. For some it is not having any money at all. For these women on the UES it is a constant flow of a "hand me down" or money from their "important" jobs. I have become such a bitter person, please excuse my language in this post. I am not envious, but it is difficult to not look at these people and wonder what they would be like if they were in a position of a low income. Some of these women get manicures, shop, and go to the Hamptons all the time. That is their reality. 

I went out with a client here at the studio that has become one of my friends. She is one of the most interesting people that I know and is one of the craziest. I guess that's why I like her. Anyway, she has loads of money just pouring out of her ears and decided to take me out to dinner last night. We go out, discuss the men in her life over two glasses of Chianti and calamari. In her language she uses words most Upper East Siders have incorporated into their vocabulary: ...house in the Hamptons, shopping, tan, dress, hair, manicure, dinners, rich men, sex, shoes, meeting, Pilates, investment....

Ok, I'm about to vomit, I must stop myself. 

As I was sipping on my delicious Chianti I sat thinking that all I have in my bank account is a negative balance and a heart attack.

I love this friend, however I can only take her in spurts. She definitely worked hard for her money and that is beautiful. In spite of it all, she also gave me some sound advice that I will never forget. She said that because she has worked so hard and has never asked anything from her parents, she made a decision at 14 years old, when she moved out, to never settle. She doesn't want to just settle for a mundane job, guy, or any decision not benefitting to her. I took that advice and compared it to my life and noticed that I have done that in some ways. I also do not want to settle for just ANYTHING in my life. I want to be a successful woman in every area in my life: career, marriage, etc...

That was some sound advice from a woman who at 35 is living on the Upper East Side in NYC and still has not had a successful relationship, but has more money than she knows what to do with. 

I will miss New York.

Gelato or a Gallon of Gas?

Once again I am at work, doing my boring desk job. At least I get to write! 

Anyway, I went out on my break and passed a Ciao Bella gelato store. Oh I ran over there and ordered a small cone with vanilla! mmmm it was the most amazing scoop of gelato for $4.75! Yeah, thats how much it cost me. I could have gotten a healthy salad and a small coffee at the deli downstairs. After I freaked out (inside my head) while signing the receipt, I walked over to grab a few napkins for my dripping delight and there was a sign. It read something like: "Because of increasing gas prices, we have had to increase our prices on our gelato and frozen yogurts. The cost of fruit has also gone up with the rise of gas. We will do everything to keep the cost down as much as possible."

It is a good thing I do not drive a vehicle. I mean I would use one gallon of gas and that would have to be it for the week. Here in New York I believe it is $4.75 a gallon, as much as my gelato cone! What? Incredible. I am sure that in my lifetime, gas prices will get so high that filling up your tank will be equivalent to buying a house. 

I'm not sure if you can actually compare gelato to gas but in my world it is possible. It seems like this country is in big trouble. I haven't watched or read any news recently, but it doesn't take an educated economics major to see that the future looks bleak for the gelato companies. 

STUDY SHOWS REPUBLICANS ARE KETCHUP FREAKS

Topic is from Weekly World News. I chose a headline and decided to write my own article:

STUDY SHOWS REPUBLICANS ARE KETCHUP FREAKS

"Red, thats right, the color of our nation." A Republican said standing outside a McDonald's. "I love Ketchup because it reminds me of the blood we have shed for this nation, it's in our flag, and it was my favorite color growing up."

Studies show that Republicans eat more Ketchup than Democrats. "This is truly something to be proud of in a nation that is supposedly going green." Another Republican quoted.

There has been much debate in the White House whether Ketchup is healthy for the human body. Many Democrats have been saying that Ketchup causes heart disease because of the high sodium content. However, Republicans claim that has nothing to do with it, Democrats are just trying to take away their right to eat the stuff. 

George W. Bush commented on the subject, "I believe Americans have the right to eat as much Ketchup as they'd like. I grew up with the stuff. We had the option of the ranch to eat fresh tomatoes or Ketchup. Of course I chose Ketchup. What American wouldn't? That is what truly makes up an American... well that and hamburgers. Anyway, I think because it is my favorite staple with every meal, all of the troops should have their very own bottle while overseas. In fact, I think we need to make sure the Afganis don't get their hands on this top commodity. It is too precious for them to start taking it from us... they have taken too much already. I refuse to let them have my Ketchup!"

Many Ketchup supporters are claiming the stuff heals them of cancer. "I was diagnosed with skin cancer and I was so upset that I bought a bag of french fries and a big bottle of Ketchup to drown my sorrows. I actually ate the whole bottle and even spread the Ketchup all over my body, thinking that it might be my very last one. The next day I went to the doctor and the cancer was gone!"

"See, this is just a prime example of what Ketchup can do for this country." A Republican doctor quoted. 

Back in 2004 when John Kerry was the Democratic nominee for the Presidency, some very strong words were said about his wife Teresa. Teresa Heinz Kerry is an exception to the notion that it is only Republicans that are Ketchup freaks. She owns the entire Heinz Ketchup corporation. What was she thinking marrying a Democrat? Many Republicans have asked her this same question. Teresa claims that you don't have to be a Republican to like Ketchup. "I believe I am making a statement by being with John. One CAN be a Democrat and still love Ketchup. Maybe one day Ketchup will bring this country together again and there will no longer be Democrats or Republicans.

We shall see how far Ketchup takes us into the future. Too bad Obama is allergic to tomatoes. 

Oops, I got ink on my dress!

Clothes you can ink on? 

Now this is the best invention for mankind, specifically women in general. Ok, heres how is works: You wear a white dress, pick any color marker you desire, like 15 or so and you place them in the little pocket holders. Then you let the markers bleed onto the white dress. 

The best part is, you put the dress in water and it all disappears and you can start all over again! 

Seriously though who can wear a white outfit and never get anything on it? I always end up getting something on a white shirt that I never would have on any other piece of clothing. If wear white someone just happens to be walking by with a permanent marker, drawing a line right across the shirt. Better yet, I somehow manage to spill coffee on either the right or left breast. Either way, this dress is perfect for my kind of lifestyle: Messy! 

Click on the link below to learn more:

flexibility - renewable clothing by fernando brízio

A can of tuna and a bag of potato chips

The title of this was my dinner tonight.

 As I sit here at my desk I am pondering the human race. Where are we headed? All of the magazines are screaming "JAMIE LYNN HAS BABY!" Do I really care? Secretly, yes. I was wondering when she was going to POP that thing out. That poor family... caught up in pleasing society and battling with the media, all the while in the midst of all these babies! I thought my life was getting complicated! At least I'm not one of the Spears children, having children. We as a society MUST know what is going on in the lives of celebrities over our own. 

ENOUGH OF THAT.

Another thought on the human race these days is that we are a bunch of needy little children. That seems to be the theme here, children. I was at the laudrymat taking care of business when this woman calls out, "Help! Help! I'm scared!" The man working the shift at the mat that day ran over to see what was the matter. As he approached the woman sorting through her clothes, he asks her what the problem is. "I.. I.. I'm not sure if I should add my colors in with the whites!" Are you serious?! You can't figure this out on your own? Why I just throw them all in together, but if you want to get technical, just wash the whites separately! The man gave her a little advice and walked away shaking his head, and walked back over to that which was more important. I would understand if a child was confused or needed help and was a little frightened that he might mess up his clothes, but a grown woman? 

I don't want to get into the topic of living child-like, because I believe that one should have a child-like spirit and live life to its fullest and with curiosity. However, what happened to common sense? Is our society so lazy that we are lacking in the most basic fundamentals of life?

More dumb human moments would be...

*When ordering  a latte: I called your drink and noted to you that I placed only 1 packet of sugar in the drink for you, but you wanted 2. Just go put it in there yourself if this happens.

*If you are unsure about something, its ok to ask questions. However, if I give you an answer you don't want to hear, please don't throw a fit!

*So I go to the store and I'm looking at cough medicine in the sick isle and you walk up and decide you need some too. Don't stand directly in front of me so that you are blocking my view.PAY ATTENTION TO PEOPLE AROUND YOU! The only reason that you are standing there is because you know that I need some! Then, you proceed to cough on me. Thanks.

*You are new to the city and you are lost. OK. Don't just stand there in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk and look around! Pull over and then get your BIG ANNOYING map out. (this goes for the city dwellers as well. If you see someone coming toward you, pick which side to walk on!)

*Airports. Lovely places, and I HATE to wait in them. I don't really mind so much if I am left alone and I have a nice coffee and a good book. Then I can just people watch and be in my own bubble. As I sit there I realize that no one knows how to act in an airport! Everyone is confused or lost. It can't be more simple, Gate: C2 Flight: New York Time: 12:45pm.  What more could you ask for? Your day and where you need to be is spelled out for you and the gates are generally close together. Everyone walks in to one another and looks like zombies. Most of the time there are those Hawiian shirts involved: They button up in the front with the palm trees and come in various bright colors.

One more... (I could go on forever though)

*If you don't want foam on your latte, please specify! I am not a mind reader, how am I supposed to know what you like and don't like unless you tell me?

I Am The Right Brained Thinker

*I have been up for months, drinking coffee and trying to make a decision...

I was born with a curse. The curse of the overactive right brained thinker. Sometimes I don't use logic and I just make a decision for no reason other than spontaneity and run with it. On the other hand, once I've made a decision, I then begin to question it and feel nostalgic for the other choice I could have made. Could 'a Would 'a...    So thus begins this cycle of always

 wanting to be where the "action" is. If I make a choice, I wonder what I'll then be missing out on if I had made another choice. ahhhh crazy huh?!

Let me tell you my situation. Please, feel free to comment below. All inquires are welcome, for I am not afraid to just get all of this on the table. Maybe others will relate in some other ways. 

I moved from Chicago to New York 10 months ago in hopes of gaining more experience in the dance world. I have always had dreams of dancing with the BIG companies here and traveling the world with them. Let me back up and say that I had lived in Chicago for 5 years and had moved from my hometown Nashville, that in itself was a strong decision that I had made. Chicago was my home and where I gained my BA in dance at Columbia College. While I was there, I met the love of my life and was in a fabulous dance company. Now that I have been in New York I have worked at Starbucks, explored the dance scene, been to auditions, danced in a show, became certified in Pilates, became poor off my ass, had to quit going to dance classes because I can't afford it, and now I just work as a receptionist at a Pilates Studio on the Upper East Side. Currently, I am sitting at my desk typing this all out. I am trying to "breathe" as my boyfriend is constantly suggesting that I do. Where does one draw the line or throw up their hands and say, "I'm done with this. I must move on!" 

Everyone here says to just give it another year. The first year here is always hell. Yeah, you're tellin' me!! I feel that I have accomplished quite a bit in my full 24 years of life and I don't think I'm one to back out now. Just because I move does NOT mean I am giving up on my ambitions. No, nope. I need to eat and survive and I guess I am not willing to give those things up. 

I too also feel that society looks down on those who fall in love. So what if I want to move back and live with my boyfriend! Yes, I miss him and half the reason why I want to move back is because I want to go through this crazy life with someone who I care about and who cares about me. That is my rant and I'm stickin' to it. 

Ladies and Gentleman... I AM MOVING BACK TO CHICAGO. The city that still has a hold on my heart. The right brained thinker is on the move once again. This time, I must not look back until this wonderful city of New York calls my name again. Hopefully by then I will have more change in my pocket. 

I have learned so much here and made so many friends. All of whom I will never forget or lose contact with. (Don't lose contact with me!!) 

*Taking another sip of the now chilled cup of coffee.