An Itch I Can't Scratch

Last night I laid in bed, feeling the weight of the day pressing into my skull. My boyfriend leaned over and kissed me. I did not feel his lips on my skin. He then said, "I love you." I did not hear the words from his mouth. My mind knew he was speaking to me, but I could not process any of it. He leaned in to kiss me again and I my lips began to move without conscious effort. Sharp words flowed from my mouth and his reaction was one of hurt. What did I say and why did I say something hateful? What is wrong with me?

Lately, I have been discovering little pieces of myself that have either always been there and are now surfacing, or they are new emotional tangents. My latest discovery is that of control. We as human beings on this earth do not have control of our lives. However, I am trying so hard to control mine. After I returned from New York, I thought I had to prove myself to everyone. "Look what I learned there. Look what I can do. I went there for a reason!" These thoughts were constantly jumping around in my head as I tried to go through my day. I have moved on a bit from those thoughts, but I still feel that something else is brewing and untapped inside of me.
What could this be?
I feel satisfied for the most part in my life currently. I have a wonderful boyfriend, I am dancing, teaching, living, breathing, and I'm happy. Not full, but satisfied. I could always have more and I want more. There are goals I am striving for, but I feel so impatient. Constantly, I am reminding myself of why I am working where I do and getting paid so little. Money always seems to be my issue. My long term goals keep me here. Yet, I still have feelings of unsatisfaction.
Maybe it is because my simple needs are not met for myself right now.

It is these small moments that concern me. I should be able to go into my home and feel at peace and relaxed. Yet I take my day and my small frustrations out on the boyfriend. I am afraid that subconsciously these small things have spawned from my parents. Their arguments always spawned from small arguments over unimportant issues, like "Who is going to take the garbage out and why is it still sitting there?"
We vowed we would not argue over these things, but a small voice inside me becomes so flushed and angry when the small things have not been taken care of. Domestic arguments are not the root of the problem.

There is an itch somewhere that needs to be scratched. I just don't know where.

Wrigleyville Dushbags

So, I've been living in Wrigleyville now for let's see... 3 weeks now. I knew it would be a great place to watch annoying Cubs fans and make fun of them. However, my hilarious imitations of them has now just turned to frustration. Let me give you an example:

Today the weather was gorgeous and a nice east wind was blowing in from Lake Michigan. Coffee in hand, I decided to open the large windows in the apartment to breathe some fresh air. Suddenly, I hear "Uh, uh, I wanna dance on ya, dance on ya... yeah!" I looked out my large window and over onto the deck across the way from me. Two dushbags were standing with two other dushbags singing to a song about gettin' up on someone. They stood drinking their Miller Lites and smoking cigarettes. My first reaction was to yell out the window and chuck anything I could find at them. However, I refrained and turned my NPR up even louder. Now, NPR may seem a little boring to some folks, but to me it's being informed on what's going on in the world. Of course, the most boring of all topics that no one (especially myself) does not want to hear, "...if you own a credit card you must pay off all of your debt because the credit card companies are not happy." The radio echoed out into the deck area and blended with "Uh, uh, yeah!" They didn't seem to notice.
I couldn't take it anymore so I went outside. "Hey! No one wants to hear that crap!" I yelled over their disgusting songs. I got quite a mixed reaction. One dude put out his smoke and went inside. Another just stared and smiled. The last remaining duschbags hung around and said sorry.

Wow, the termoil I must endure to get some peace around these parts. I guess I am now 90 year old lady next door who blares info about credit card debt. Oh well, what can I say I'm an old soul I guess.

My New Bicycle

I got a bike. Actually, Dan got me a bike. To us it is the only way to get around the city without waiting on the train for two hours at a time. For the past week, I've been riding to work and rehearsals. The cold air hitting my face, and riding along the Lake Shore path has been so refreshing.
Feels good to be back in Chicago. Even though I lived here for almost 5 years before I left for New York, it feels like a different place. Neighborhoods have changed, people have changed, and my routine will never be the same as before. Change is good. In fact, change is amazing. However, for the past 2 weeks since I've been here I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. The change of pace and environment are so much different from New York. It is slower here and more friendly. These things do not bother me though. It is more or less starting over again. I was just beginning to get my feet on the ground in New York. More stable I am now, but as a career move, I feel like I'm starting from ground zero. My boyfriend tells me this is all mental. Yet, how can I feel stable when I move around all the time?
Certainly, I have not stepped back at all by moving here. Yet somehow I feel as if that might happen somehow. I am very happy beginning a new life with Dan and embarking on a Pilates career. However, I feel a shift in my personality. Recently I have had no desire to socialize with anyone around me, at work or with family. My personality even seems different. Something really has to be funny to make me laugh and right now, only Dan tends to do that for me.

Maybe it is the change that has been getting to me. I'm not sure.

I love this city! The winter is approaching fast and I am afraid it will be even harder to leave the apartment.