I Was Just Thinkin'...

As I sit here at the front desk and type....

I've been thinking at work, WAY TOO MUCH, and I've come to a conclusion about many things here at the work place. Many of these things simply defines people in general, but are sometimes more obvious at work. Now, I work at a small Pilates studio in Chicago, as a front desk receptionist/computer mechanic/pay roll adviser/care taker/greeter/teacher. My roll is spread out here at my work place and I don't get paid as much as I should to do all of these things. Yet, I work very hard and I spread myself too thin here. No problem, because one day I too would like to be a full time Pilates instructor. One day, I too would like to not sit behind a desk and answer a phone and maybe get paid to do what I went to college for. Have to climb the ladder where ever you are.

My coffee is now cold and I sip it anyway. A teacher, that can't stand me, just walked out of her class (as I sit here and pretend to be working). Last night she complained that I was not doing my job and now she smiles and tries to have a conversation with me. I keep typing.
I do my job! I do my job very well! In fact, if she knew how well I did my job, she just might hate me more. I just gave her a weak smile, to keep the peace around this place.

Another sip of my cold coffee.

I should probably talk to her and tell her what a bitch she is. No, that would be causing bad energy in this place. That's the last thing that I want. I could sit down at her feet and kiss them. Then, ask her if she'd like me to Swiffer around her feet while she's teaching so she can have a clean floor to stand on. No, can't do that... it's just not in me. What to say? "Um, I hear you've been having a rough time? What can I do to help?"

I don't know. Maybe I'll just keep sipping my cold coffee and ignore her.

Another Twenty Something Sits Down To Blog About Getting Older...

You know you're getting older when you freak out over not being able to pay your student loan monthly payment of $224.46.

You know you're getting older when you begin having recurring dreams of birthing babies, dropping babies, and having more babies.

You know you're getting older when you question every move and risks become a thing from childhood.

You know you're getting older when you go to target and spend $200 just on items for home decor. 

You know you're getting older when every financial decision made, is detrimental to survival.

You know you're getting older when working at a coffee shop, no longer pays the bills.

You know you're getting older when you begin worrying more about if your cat is eating, than if you are.

You know you're getting older when you look at your boyfriend and wonder when he will pop the marriage question.

You know you're getting older when roller coasters begin to look deadly.

You know you're getting older when you climb into bed at 9:30 PM. 

You know you're getting older when all you want to do is stay home, drink coffee, read a good book, and talk to your mother.

You know you're getting older when you should be having the time of your life at age 24, but instead you're writing a blog about getting older. 

Where Is The Bus?!

I have to say that every year, I forget how horrible the winters are here in Chicago! I long for the day when I no longer have to trudge over mountains of frozen hills full of dirty ice and snow. When I can walk on my own two feet and trust that I will not fall on my face from slipping on a thin sheet of ice. It seems that no pair of shoes can have enough traction to keep my feet on solid ground.

With that said, why does cold weather make buses run slower? My only means of transportation in this city is by bus and train. When it is impossible to get from one side of the city to the other by warm train, I am forced to wait for 30 minutes at two different bus stops to get me across town. As I wait, my hands and feet become numb and I am placed in a world of mental and bodily malfunction.

As I wait, I am forced to sing happy songs, and pretend that I am on a tropical island far away from this arctic city. I peer down the street, past the oncoming traffic hopping to see a bus approach. Nothing. As I continue to wait, anger grows inside me towards those who pass by in their warm cars. Music pounds from their closed windows and exhaust pours from the rear of their salty vehicles. I catch myself glaring into their frosted windows to see if there is any mercy. "Help me!" I want to scream. "Where are you going? Want to give me a ride?" Of course I know I cannot do this, because my safety is concerned. Does it even matter? I sometimes wonder if I'd rather die in the cold or in a warm car. I check again, nothing.

I crush ice with my boots that have now become bricks of ice themselves. Again, I look... wait, I see something. It looks like orange lights blinking up ahead. I squint my teary eyes and anticipate bus #152 going west bound. Waiting. Waiting. Nope. It was a mirage.

After 30 minutes, the bus arrives. By this point I am so frozen I have lost all energy to punch the bus driver with my icy hand. All premeditated thoughts have dissipated about what I would scream at the driver. I was going to explain to them about how slow they drive and about how they needed to surpass all other stops and just get me there! Yet, I think: IF I do all of that, if I actually say what's on my mind at this very moment, I will not get to my destination anyway.

So I step into the warm bus and take my seat among all of the other freezing citizens of Chicago.

Are Social Networks More Efficient Than The News?

Notice: WHAT ARE THEY SMILING AT? Why are they so happy all of the time? What is so funny? These are the questions I ask when I watch the news, not about what is going on in the world. These people are distracting. I think this distraction might be a tactic to keep us from being "scared." Well, I got some news: It ain't working!
HERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS: What began as a horrific accident in the Hudson turned into something beautiful for the citizens of The United States...

This picture was taken by some dude who was a nobody, until a US Airways plane crashed into the Hudson. Yes, some guy took this photo you see to your left and proceeded to post it immediately onto twitter. Wow! You are my hero! I mean he could have helped save a life, but he was capturing the moment!  He took a classic pic and arrived before any News Channel 5 could! In fact, the news crews had a hell of a time getting to the scene. Now this guy is probably making millions and will fly into the journalism business. Sheesh...

Does this mean that social networks may be the "new" source of our news? Well, perhaps. We the people now possess the technology and have the ability, through the Internet, to do our own broadcasting to the world. This guy's picture traveled around the globe in less than 2 hours! He used no cheesy, or over exaggerated paragraphs to explain the situation. All he did was post this picture using his iPhone.

So basically, if we keep on posting the actions of life before us, then we may actually rid ourselves of this fake news that has been plaguing our society for decades.

I actually think it would be great to rid our televisions of these cheese puffs. We already know what to expect anyway: killings here, war there, disease and cancer, etc...  If I want to hear the news, I just tune in to NPR and listen to All Things Considered. I don't need some chick with glue and plaster on her face to tell me what's going on in the world. Their jokes aren't even funny. If I was watching the news for comedy hour, I would just tune in to The Daily Show, where the news is ACTUALLY funny! 

One last bit of info: Don't you think the birds would have seen a large jet coming their way and gotten the hell out of the way? I don't know, just an observation.

Read what the BBC has to say about it.

A Whiff of Creativity

With only 3 days into this new year, I am already feeling a whiff of creativity in my bones. Yes, most of it could be the chilly air sending a chill up my spine, but the atmosphere is definitely creative. All of the traveling is done for the holidays (thank god) and my mind is fresh. Why is it that a new calendar year can feel so fresh and new? 

Tonight my film buddy, Andrew, is coming over to talk about a project that has been brewin' in this head of mine. Over the holidays, I was able to sit back and ponder life and nature. The past year of 2008 brought travel, new experiences, friendships, and hard work. I'm not sure if I can put into words my experiences from New York, but it has sparked a new found creativity that I need to tap into this year. This evening all of those ideas will be thrown onto the table with a pen in hand and lots of wine drinking. I haven't fully recovered from the New Years party I attended, but what the heck, bring on more wine please!

Chicago brings cold weather and lots and lots of nasty snow. However, this only symbolizes the rough terrane I know must be crossed in order to produce a wonderful performance approaching in the spring. Funding is the scariest task for me, but with a gallery space already set for the show, I feel that is the least of my worries. 

I am jumping around, but I have not written down my thoughts in quite a while. I just cannot imagine a life without creativity. There is never enough support in this city for small projects, especially in dance. However, I feel that this could change rather quickly. Maybe I am just doing this for my own sanity, but I firmly believe that this city needs more collaborative projects and I am set on doing that THIS year.

Let's see what this year brings...

An Itch I Can't Scratch

Last night I laid in bed, feeling the weight of the day pressing into my skull. My boyfriend leaned over and kissed me. I did not feel his lips on my skin. He then said, "I love you." I did not hear the words from his mouth. My mind knew he was speaking to me, but I could not process any of it. He leaned in to kiss me again and I my lips began to move without conscious effort. Sharp words flowed from my mouth and his reaction was one of hurt. What did I say and why did I say something hateful? What is wrong with me?

Lately, I have been discovering little pieces of myself that have either always been there and are now surfacing, or they are new emotional tangents. My latest discovery is that of control. We as human beings on this earth do not have control of our lives. However, I am trying so hard to control mine. After I returned from New York, I thought I had to prove myself to everyone. "Look what I learned there. Look what I can do. I went there for a reason!" These thoughts were constantly jumping around in my head as I tried to go through my day. I have moved on a bit from those thoughts, but I still feel that something else is brewing and untapped inside of me.
What could this be?
I feel satisfied for the most part in my life currently. I have a wonderful boyfriend, I am dancing, teaching, living, breathing, and I'm happy. Not full, but satisfied. I could always have more and I want more. There are goals I am striving for, but I feel so impatient. Constantly, I am reminding myself of why I am working where I do and getting paid so little. Money always seems to be my issue. My long term goals keep me here. Yet, I still have feelings of unsatisfaction.
Maybe it is because my simple needs are not met for myself right now.

It is these small moments that concern me. I should be able to go into my home and feel at peace and relaxed. Yet I take my day and my small frustrations out on the boyfriend. I am afraid that subconsciously these small things have spawned from my parents. Their arguments always spawned from small arguments over unimportant issues, like "Who is going to take the garbage out and why is it still sitting there?"
We vowed we would not argue over these things, but a small voice inside me becomes so flushed and angry when the small things have not been taken care of. Domestic arguments are not the root of the problem.

There is an itch somewhere that needs to be scratched. I just don't know where.

Wrigleyville Dushbags

So, I've been living in Wrigleyville now for let's see... 3 weeks now. I knew it would be a great place to watch annoying Cubs fans and make fun of them. However, my hilarious imitations of them has now just turned to frustration. Let me give you an example:

Today the weather was gorgeous and a nice east wind was blowing in from Lake Michigan. Coffee in hand, I decided to open the large windows in the apartment to breathe some fresh air. Suddenly, I hear "Uh, uh, I wanna dance on ya, dance on ya... yeah!" I looked out my large window and over onto the deck across the way from me. Two dushbags were standing with two other dushbags singing to a song about gettin' up on someone. They stood drinking their Miller Lites and smoking cigarettes. My first reaction was to yell out the window and chuck anything I could find at them. However, I refrained and turned my NPR up even louder. Now, NPR may seem a little boring to some folks, but to me it's being informed on what's going on in the world. Of course, the most boring of all topics that no one (especially myself) does not want to hear, "...if you own a credit card you must pay off all of your debt because the credit card companies are not happy." The radio echoed out into the deck area and blended with "Uh, uh, yeah!" They didn't seem to notice.
I couldn't take it anymore so I went outside. "Hey! No one wants to hear that crap!" I yelled over their disgusting songs. I got quite a mixed reaction. One dude put out his smoke and went inside. Another just stared and smiled. The last remaining duschbags hung around and said sorry.

Wow, the termoil I must endure to get some peace around these parts. I guess I am now 90 year old lady next door who blares info about credit card debt. Oh well, what can I say I'm an old soul I guess.